Adapted from End the Stalemate: Move Past Cancel Culture to Meaningful Conversations by Sean McDowell and Tim Muehlhoff.

Most people are willing to have conversations on explosive issues. In fact, most people are eager to have meaningful dialogue on difficult issues. And yet some conversations still go badly. Why? While there can be many reasons, a common one is failing to think through the right timing and setting for such conversations.

About a dozen years ago, I showed a video on intelligent design to a non-Christian family member. He has a brilliant, math-oriented mind, so I was eager to hear his reflections on the fine-tuning argument for design. We have had dozens of civil and enjoyable conversations on ethical, religious, and political issues over the years. But this conversation did not go well. Why? For some unknown reason, I thought it would be a good idea to play the video in the front room of his home. Another family member sat down to join us, and let’s just say, things blew up. I don’t regret showing him the video, but I do regret showing him the video at that time and place. Clearly, I could have chosen better circumstances. My bad.

Here are four quick questions for consideration before engaging in conversations on potentially explosive issues so you can have the best chance of success:

1. Are you emotionally ready? If either of you are tired, hungry, stressed, angry, or defensive, then it might not be the right time for a difficult conversation.

2. Are you in a good physical environment? While some degree of privacy is good for a potentially volatile conversation, a public setting can also help minimize overreactions. Coffee shops are ideal. The Thanksgiving dinner table is, well, the opposite of ideal.

3. Are you prepared intellectually? Begin with the right mindset. Even when I feel strongly about an issue and want to advance my case persuasively, I approach conversations with a win-win attitude. I have no interest in shaming or humiliating others. My goal is to love them, which requires speaking the truth in a way that is most likely to be received (see 1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

4. Are you prepared relationally? Nothing breaks down civil conversation on explosive issues more than loss of trust. Are you a trustworthy person? Do you have the right relationship to enter into a conversation on such a potentially volatile issue? If not, such conversations will often explode.

During my time helping others engage each other in productive ways, I’ve also noticed some attitudes that can short-circuit the process.

Treating preparation as optional. Many of us let our frustrations build until we hit a tipping point. “I can’t take a minute more of his crazy ideas.” “I’ve listened to this nonsense long enough!” “I have to say something—now!” With frustration at the bursting point, the thought of taking five days to do a devotional in preparation of a conversation seems unrealistic. Yet remember that the conversation you are about to have can never be taken back. The words you’ll utter and the tone you take will leave a relational mark that may be impossible to remove. “A prudent person foresees danger and takes precautions,” suggests the wisdom writers, while “the simpleton goes blindly on and suffers the consequences” (Proverbs 22:3). A key precaution we need to take is to make sure we are in a healthy place emotionally, mentally, and spiritually before the first word is uttered. To rush or exclude preparation is to see the potential danger of a conversation going south but to rush in regardless.

Reacting, rather than responding. “Human beings are reaction machines.”⁸ Phrases like “you always” or “you never” are emotionally charged and often push our buttons. When we hear a person espouse a view we believe is hopelessly misguided or just plain wrong, we have to say something! It gets even more complicated when it’s a particular family member or coworker that frays our nerves. At these moments, offering a breath prayer is crucial. Lord, help me to listen and attend to another person, even when I feel insulted. This slows the momentum of an increasingly heated conversation.

Thinking issues can be resolved in one sitting. For the last twenty-eight years, my wife and I have spoken at weekend marriage conferences. Most of the couples who attend are doing well, and the weekend is a type of relational tune-up. Others are facing real challenges and are desperate. One common mistake we see is these couples walking in with the attitude This weekend we are going to fix our marriage. We try to temper these expectations. If it took years for these complex issues to arise, it’ll take weeks, months, or perhaps years to unpack them and move on.

The same is true with you and your spouse, fellow church member, or coworker attempting to address deeply complex and contentious issues of race, politics, or theology. It will take time and effort to make progress and come to a place where you are comfortable celebrating common ground and living with disagreements. However, just like these troubled couples, this will take time and multiple carefully structured conversations. Thus, in any one conversation, you don’t need to say everything you are thinking or feeling. Showing such restraint will require practice.

It’s no secret our culture is deeply divided. As a result, it is tempting to avoid potentially explosive issues and to just focus on “getting along.” Yet, there is a better way. Genuine engagement allows us to see our own blind spots and to better love people across worldview differences. It is one small way we can each counter “cancel culture.”

8. William Ury, Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations (New York: Bantam Dell, 1993), 8.

End the Stalemate by Sean McDowell and Tim Muehlhoff

When was the last time you had a real & meaningful conversation? What has happened to our society?
Differences of opinion have always been part of life. For decades, spouses, family members, co-workers, and neighbors have had spirited conversations about politics, social issues, religion, current events, and even sports. But what was different in the past is that these disagreements wouldn’t sever ties between family and friends.

Today, we live in an argument culture that has let to nearly a third of people reporting they have stopped talking to a friend or family member due to a disagreement and nearly two-thirds of people saying they stay quiet about their beliefs due to the fear of offending others. From cyberbullying to hate speech, workplace harassment, demonizing political language, verbal abuse, and intolerance, the vast majority of us—eighty-seven percent—no longer feel safe in public places to share our opinions.