The following is an excerpt from Little Habits, Big Faith by Christie Thomas.

A ­thirty-​­five-​­year study following multiple generations of the same ­twenty-​­five families found that a key factor in children permanently walking away from their parents’ faith was “excessive or intrusive” efforts to get those children to believe:

When highly religious parents pushed their resistant children to participate in religious activities . . . or to conform to church doctrine or moral dictates, this was experienced by some children as having religion “shoved down my throat.” The result was religious rebellion.

I’ve never met a parent who intended to shove religion down their child’s throat. But when our kids are resistant about going to church or believing specific doctrines, fear can take over. In Mothering by the Book, Jennifer Pepito points out that “when fear drives our decisions, we create an atmosphere that invites opposition. It’s as though we are putting up a green light for the devil to come and harass us.” When we allow our fear for our kids to control our actions, we’re more likely to shoot down questions, lecture away doubts, force kids to come to church, and push them to conform outwardly. We do these things because we’re desperate to get faith to stick, but they put us on the fast track to driving our children away from God.

I have absolutely been guilty of giving in to fear. One afternoon, I wanted my kids to watch an episode of The Chosen with me, and one of my boys wasn’t interested. My brain went into overdrive: What if he never connects with Jesus? What if he misses who Jesus is because he isn’t seeing him portrayed vividly like in this show? Yes, it’s absurd for me to think that the only way my son will ever connect with Jesus is through a TV show. But I gave in to the fear in my heart, and I forced my son to watch with us.

Fear creates a rigid and controlling environment, which leaves little room for kids to learn to grow an actual, trusting relationship with the God who has always welcomed questions and doubts, who allows us to make mistakes, and who waits with ­grace-​­filled arms when we turn back to him. God does not want us living in fear for our children’s spiritual lives. In fact, his perfect love wants to cast out ­fear—​­even the very valid fear that our children will reject the gospel:

We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

“Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.” 1 John 4:16-18

We are not here to scare our children into heaven or to parent out of ­deep-​­seated fears that they will turn into prodigals or be taken captive by worldly living. As 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and ­self-​­discipline.” We can be bold, loving, and intentional with our child’s faith journey when we let God lead the way instead of fear.

A Vision that Lasts

If fear isn’t a why that will sustain us through every season of our family’s discipleship, what is? The book of Acts shows us the answer.

When we turn to Acts 2, we discover that after Jesus ascended to heaven and poured out his Spirit on his followers, these men and women suddenly became fearless. Peter, who had denied Jesus just a couple of months before, led an impromptu Holy ­Spirit–​­fueled revival on Pentecost. Then in Acts 3, Peter and John healed a man who was unable to walk and dared to say it was because of Jesus. In Acts 4, the priests and Sadducees had them arrested, telling the disciples to stop teaching in the name of Jesus before letting them go free.

Why were the religious leaders so insistent on forcing the followers of Jesus into silence? Fear. Fear of the ruling authorities, of losing their privileges, of losing control.

The Jews were an oppressed people with very little ­self-​­governance, and the religious leaders were terrified of having their few freedoms taken away. When Jesus came along, making bold statements about a new Kingdom, they tried desperately to shush him. Then the disciples continued proclaiming Jesus as King and the Son of God, and the leaders had no idea what to do with these ­miracle-​­working, ­loud-​­preaching, fearless disciples:

“What should we do with these men?” the religious leaders asked each other. “We can’t deny that they have performed a miraculous sign, and everybody in Jerusalem knows about it. But to keep them from spreading their propaganda any further, we must warn them not to speak to anyone in Jesus’ name again” (Acts 4:16-17).

Do you see the fear? They were afraid of the pagan culture of their conquerors, the Romans. They were afraid of losing their families and young people. They were afraid of being on the wrong end of a very sharp stick. Their fear, which they thought was protecting their culture and faith, ended up blinding them to what God was doing.

The disciples, though, saw clearly. Empowered by the Spirit, they lived in a deep faith that bypassed ­fear—​­despite facing imprisonment, persecution, and even death. And in Acts 20, we see what can truly sustain us through any season and trial: the power of a fearless, ­Spirit-​­given vision.

The apostle Paul knew God wanted him to go to ­Jerusalem—​­even as everyone around him warned him that he’d end up in jail there. But Paul didn’t shrink back. God was calling him forward. Paul looked fear in the eye and said,

“I am bound by the Spirit to go to Jerusalem. I don’t know what awaits me, except that the Holy Spirit tells me in city after city that jail and suffering lie ahead. But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord ­Jesus—​­the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God.” Acts 20:22-24

Vision propelled Paul toward wherever God called ­him—​­a vision that looked fear in the eye and said, “You may be great, but my God is greater.”

These two different responses in Acts show us two ways we can intentionally disciple our kids

1. We can look at the world and see all the ways our children could be pulled away from God: addictions, ­mental illness, ­sexual-​­identity issues, secular humanism, the hypersexualization of society. We can look at the darkness of the world and try to shield our kids from all these things. We can avoid talking with them about the issues our culture is dealing with, then teach them only to defend: their faith, their lifestyle, their opinions.

Or . . .

2. We can live like the disciples did. Amid both secular and religiously legalistic cultures, they openly engaged with people in their world without letting the world distract them from their calling to lead people into something better. We, too, can live within the darkness and harm of the world and not let any of it distract us from what God is calling us to. How this plays out in your life will be unique to you. Maybe walking away from fear means you unashamedly send your kids to public school . . . or maybe it means you start homeschooling. Maybe fear has been playing into your decision to not become ­long-​­term missionaries, or maybe it’s guiding your choices around tech time in your home. We can guide our family into fearless faith that doesn’t avoid the brokenness around us but helps us love others with godly confidence. We can also release the need to micromanage our children’s faith because we have confidence in God’s love and faithfulness toward our children.

Remember Jesus’ parable of the mustard seed (Matthew 13:31-32)? A mustard seed starts out ­itty-​­bitty and then grows into something huge. I used to picture an enormous tree because I’m used to ­sky-​­high poplars and oaks. But did you know that mustard is a bush? It can grow into a big bush (a “tree” in comparison with other plants in the arid climate of Judea), but it’s practically a weed: growing furtively and persistently, yet never dominating the whole environment. When I discovered that, I realized Jesus may have been sharing a truth about the Kingdom different from what we typically assume. This story “warns against the ultimate vulgarity of confusing size with significance.”

Many of us Christians in the West find ourselves in panic mode when we think our rights are at stake. But if Christ is any example, we are not supposed to fight for our rights. We are not even supposed to be dominant. We are supposed to be mustard seeds, furtively sowing peace and joy, growing the Kingdom of God in our world.

For me, discipling my children isn’t about ensuring that they can defend their beliefs and stay in a safe Christian bubble, or even that they’re going to make good choices. ­No—​­discipling my children means I plant little mustard seeds of truth and trust that God is softening the soil of their hearts and growing those seeds into an amazing harvest. After all, God loves my babies more than I ever could, and he is also planting seeds . . . some that I might never even know about. So with fear kicked out of the driver’s seat, I can point my kids to a great God who can do great things in their ­lives—​­and let God guide my family into being Kingdom people in a world that needs hope.

Your Personal Vision

Okay , you might be thinking, I’m on board with kicking fear out of the driver’s seat. But how do I figure out this vision part? How do I find my why? Coming up with a vision statement sounds like something that belongs in a ­high-​­level marketing meeting, but once you set aside the ­fear-​­based motives, you’ll be more likely to notice the vision God has for your family.

There’s no one right way to create a vision for your family’s discipleship, but some general principles can help you get started:

• Ask God to settle your heart. If you’re noticing fear still seizing control, ask God to help you trust his work in your children’s hearts.
• Spend time with God’s words in Scripture. The Bible is full of passages about God’s heart for his people, his relationship with us, who he wants us to be, and how he wants us to share the Good News.