This excerpt comes from A Parent’s Guide to Tough Conversations by Axis.

Sometimes these conversations will naturally arise from unexpected opportunities. But often you’ll need to deliberately raise difficult subjects with your kids. Sex is the most obvious of these, but you might know that your kid is going through something specific and want to talk to him or her about it. Maybe someone in your family or a close friend of theirs has passed away, for example, and you feel the need to talk with your child about death. If you’re unsure about where and how to begin, here are some things to think about:

Consider the timing. Avoid times when you or your kids will be tired or stressed, and make sure you’ll have enough time for the discussion instead of being rushed.

Consider the environment. Avoid places that are stressful and where you could be interrupted. If sitting across from each other at a table is going to be awkward, think about going on a walk so that you’re doing an activity, out in nature, and not having to make eye contact the whole time. (Yes, sometimes too much eye contact can make an ­already-​­awkward conversation even more painful.) Maybe there are certain projects you enjoy doing with your kids. Starting hard conversations while working on something together can be a good idea since you’ll both have a way to occupy yourselves instead of sitting in awkward silence. You’ll be doing something you’re already comfortable with, and you’ll have a reason to stay in the room and therefore in the conversation.

Be strategic with how you start. You don’t want to be too aggressive or so subtle that your kids don’t know what you’re talking about. You could start by saying you’d like their advice on a particular topic, but make sure you’re being honest and not merely trying to find a way to start the discussion. Try to connect what you’re talking about to something that’s already happening in their ­lives—​­at school, for example. With younger kids, you could use a book to bring up the topic. Try to avoid just asking questions that have yes and no answers.

Be calm. Let them know you’re not going to react in anger or shame them, no matter what. It’s extremely important that you give yourself time to calm down so you don’t have a discussion while grief or anger is running high. If you’re not careful about this, you’re basically guaranteed to say something you’ll regret, as well as increase your kids’ sense of shame, shutting them down. When the mom of one teenager caught him viewing porn, she started crying ­uncontrollably—​­an understandable reaction, but it just made him feel worse than he already did about what he’d done. On the other hand, some parents we talked to accidentally read part of their daughter’s journal (she’d left it out with the pages open) and discovered some pretty shocking language and disturbing behavior. They could have gotten upset with her for using the words she did and for not telling them what she was going through. Instead, they expressed how much they loved her and how concerned they were, which helped her open up to them.

Listen well. Let your kids take as long as they need to answer, ask questions, and process. Don’t interrupt them.

Be humble and willing to learn. One woman said that her parents weren’t great at tough conversations because the way they communicated was not particularly compassionate, and they weren’t willing to consider her point of view. As one grandmother we talked to points out, we’ve all experienced getting further down the road of life and seeing things differently. This can happen to any of us, so it’s essential that we remain humble.

Have realistic expectations. Do your best not to idealize how it will go. (We’ve all run through conversations in our head, imagining a perfect ending, right?) Life is messy. If you’re having the sex talk, expect that it will be weird. Why? Because it’s a weird talk! Embrace that and don’t be afraid. It’s better for your kids to have an awkward conversation with you than to go elsewhere in search of answers.

Let them ask questions. Do what you can to anticipate the questions and responses your kids might have so you’re better prepared to answer them.

Be honest. Tell them what you think, and be truthful if you don’t understand. If your kid comes out to you as gay or trans, for instance, it’s okay to be honest about how you feel. But you must express that your love for them will never waver. In the short film “Dear Church: I’m Gay,” parents Brad and Robin Harper describe how their first response was to panic when their son Drew came out to them. But throughout the years that followed, they say that by far the most important thing they did was never cut off their relationship with him.4

If you need to take legal action based on what your kids have shared, let them know you’re going to do that so they don’t feel betrayed when you do. An example would be if they share that someone has sexually abused them. If your kids raise a hard topic and you’re not sure what to say or think, that’s okay! Be honest with them and give yourself time to mull it ­over—but don’t forget to have the conversation once you’ve had time to process. You can also suggest that you and your kids find the answers to their questions together.

Get support, before or after these conversations. All of us need help from people we trust to make it through life’s challenges. Consider sharing your situation and getting advice from mentors or friends. Other parents can also be an invaluable resource for you.

Think long-term. One reason tough conversations are, well, tough is because they are complex. You can’t adequately address a complicated topic in one conversation, not to mention that your kids will keep changing and growing. Revisit these talks as time passes. It’s also wise to let babysitters and anyone else who helps take care of your kids know how you’d like them to handle it if your kids ask them hard questions.

Give your kids space to process their feelings. If your kids are wrestling with serious pain or evil, don’t expect them to magically be okay ­short-​­term. People need time to work through grief and suffering. Be there for them.