Katherine Koonce said, “It also helps a child for his or her parent to say, ‘I might be feeling things you’re not feeling, and you might be feeling things I’m not feeling, and that’s okay.’ Children need the permission and the skills to express their conflicting feelings.” How can an adult help a child work through conflicting feelings of grief?
Why are bedtime, a car ride, or a hike good times to talk with a boy about the loss of a family member? What’s one question you could ask or statement you could make to start such a conversation?
How does reading Rachel Robbins’s interview give you hope about the children you love who are going through grief?
Chapter 10: Birthdays, Deathdays, and Holidays
Imagine yourself in the following situations. How would you feel? How would you spend the day? What might other members of your family feel and do?
• It’s the first anniversary of your mother’s death.
• Your husband died one month ago today.
• Your daughter, who died at age 7, would have turned 18 today.
• This is the first Christmas without your sister, who always passed out the presents.
• Your wife died six years ago; the two of you would have celebrated your fiftieth anniversary today.
• Three years ago today your son was born—and died an hour later.
Do any of the author’s experiences in this chapter remind you of struggles you’ve had in observing birthdays or deathdays? What have you found helpful or meaningful for getting through those days?
Working with a partner, brainstorm one way in which you could act on the following suggestions when the holidays come around this year.
• Start a new tradition.
• Surround yourself with comfort.
• Expect to feel sad, but be open to joy.
• Prepare yourself for healing in the coming year.
When you read that Bill Lee’s family has come to feel complete, does that seem pleasant to you? Does it seem possible that this will happen for your family? Why or why not?
Chapter 11: Remembering
How do you respond to the discussion of memorializing without shrine-building? What do you think is the key to finding the right balance, and how do you know when you’ve found that balance?
How do you feel about the following statement? “To keep focusing intensely on your grief and on the one who has died is to refuse to open yourself up to those who are living around you, those who need you, and the future God has prepared for you.”
How would you decide whether and when to do the following? Whose input would you seek on these decisions? Which ones would be hardest for you, and why?
• giving away your late husband’s suits
• turning your deceased baby’s nursery into a guest room
• selling your late mother’s house
• taking down a wall of photos depicting your son who died in Iraq
• ceasing to wear your wedding ring after your wife died