The New Dare to Discipline James C. Dobson
Chapter 1: The Challenge 

As you begin reading The New Dare to Discipline, what do you hope to learn from this book?

Review the story of Mrs. Nichols and Sandy. Do any elements of this story sound familiar, either from your own family or families you know?

Chapter 2: Common Sense and Your Child
Explain how our society moved away from using the Bible as a source of parenting advice. 

What factors of modern life contribute to overly permissive parenting?

Explain why parents must begin setting limits very early in a child’s life. What happens when they don’t?

Chapter 3: More Common Sense about Children
When following biblical parenting principles, is it reasonable to expect to raise perfect children? Is there a more realistic objective? If so, what is it? 

Discuss the differences between “discipline” and “punishment,” according to Dr. William Glasser. How does a child typically react to each?

Consider these five keys to commonsense child-rearing:

• Develop respect for parents.
• Communicate after discipline.
• Control without nagging.
• Don’t saturate the child with materialism.
• Establish a balance between love and discipline.

Which of these principles do you think is most important? If you are a parent, which is most challenging for you? Which is easiest? How do these principles compare with the way you were brought up?

Chapter 4: Questions and Answers 
Read through the Q & A section of this chapter. Were any of the answers surprising to you? If so, why?

How can a parent put an end to defiant behavior without squelching a child’s true feelings?

Describe the difference between inappropriate corporal punishment and appropriate spanking.

Chapter 5: The Miracle Tools, Part 1
Discuss the benefits of the reward system. Are there any potential drawbacks?

What are some key elements to successful reinforcement of good behavior?

How do rewards differ from bribery?

Chapter 6: The Miracle Tools, Part 2
Discuss how reinforcement principles can be used to discourage unwanted behavior, resulting in “extinction”. 

Do you think that a system of rewards and punishment is manipulative? What is the difference between being manipulative and showing leadership?

Chapter 7: Discipline in Learning
Did you, or anyone you know, experience the “open classrooms” of the 1960’s and 1970’s, or any other avant-garde educational experiments? If so, describe the experience. What have been the lasting effects of such experiments? 

What are some of the toughest problems facing schools today, and how can they be corrected? What can you do to help?

Discuss the importance of the teacher’s authority in the classroom. Give some examples of appropriate and inappropriate expressions of authority.

Chapter 8: The Barriers to Learning, Part 1
What is the difference between being a Late Bloomer and a Slow Learner? How can each be helped to succeed at learning? 

Do you think school systems are set up to help those who are outside the norm, whether slow learners or exceptionally bright kids? Why or why not?

What can a parent do to help? 

What do you think of home-schooling? What are some of its benefits and drawbacks? Do you know any home-schooling families? Is it something you have tried, or would be willing to consider for your family? 

Chapter 9: The Barriers to Learning, Part 2
What two qualities are necessary to produce academic excellence? Which do underachievers usually lack? Why do you think this is so? 

When trying to help an underachiever, what approaches are least effective?

What are some practical steps a parent can take instead?

Chapter 10: Discipline in Morality
Discuss some of the root causes for today’s high rate of juvenile delinquency. 

What do you think of the pro-abstinence advertisement created by Focus on the Family?

What can parents do to make sure their children get accurate information and form appropriate attitudes concerning sex? 

Chapter 11: A Moment for Mom
What are some practical ways that a mom can safeguard her own health and sanity? 

How can you show support for the moms you know?

Has reading The New Dare to Discipline changed your thinking about the discipline of children? Reinforced your own views? Or a combination? Explain your response.

The New Strong-Willed Child James C. Dobson
Chapter 1: The Wild & Woolly Will 
One of Dr. Dobson’s key points is that adult leadership must be tested and found worthy before it is respected. Have you experienced this in your own life or observed it with your children?

After reading the descriptions of children’s temperaments, where on the curve do you think your children fall? What characteristics of each of these temperaments do your children display?

What do you hope to learn through reading this book? What issues in your own family do you want to gain insight about?

Chapter 2: Mothers Share Their Stories
This chapter includes in-depth stories from three women about their strong-willed children. Each mentioned one or two decisive moments when she realized her child was strong-willed. Have you had a similar realization? What led up to it?

How do you respond to the idea that no matter how we parent, there is no guarantee about the outcome? How might this encourage or discourage you as you raise your children?

Dr. Dobson notes that to be an effective parent, you must see the situation the way your child sees it. Consider a recent confrontation with one of your kids. What do you imagine he or she was thinking? If you took more time to consider your child’s perspective in the future, how might it help you?

How has your experience with a strong-willed child affected you emotionally?

What hurts are you experiencing because of your situation?

Dr. Dobson comments that parents of strong-willed children should realize that God gave them those children for a reason and will help them through. Do you agree? How does this statement give you confidence?

Chapter 3: What Makes Them the Way They Are?
Where do you fall along the parenting continuum (from permissive to authoritarian)?

How do you think your discipline style is preparing your children for the real world?

What kind of advice were you given when you became a parent (from books, friends, relatives, etc.)? How has it helped you or hindered you?

Consider the three personality patterns described by psychiatrists Stella Chess and Alexander Thomas. How do you see your children reflected in each?

A key finding from Dr. Dobson’s study seems to be that strong-willed children have significantly lower self-esteem than compliant children. Do you see this reflected in your family? Why do you think this might be?

Dr. Dobson reports that many of our personality traits are inherited, and strong-willed parents are more likely to have a strong-willed child. Which of your characteristics do you see reflected in your children? Does that make you more or less sympathetic toward their struggles? 

Chapter 4: Shaping the Will
What is your view of parental authority? How does your faith affect your view of authority? Why is it important for a child to learn to respect leaders? 

How do you react to the idea that parents represent God to their children? How might this affect your approach to parenting?

Describe the difference between childish irresponsibility and willfulness. How do you see each of these exhibited in your own children?

The idea of comforting and reassuring your child after he has been punished may be a new one to you. Do you think it is profitable? Why? How might your children respond to this approach?

Dr. Dobson lists six steps for healthy parent-child relationships. Which of these is most thought-provoking for you? Which poses the greatest challenge?

Chapter 5: Protecting the Spirit
Describe the difference between the will and the spirit. Why is it important to preserve the spirit? 

What are some practical ways you can preserve the spirit of your child? What habits or behaviors might you need to change as you interact with your child?

Dr. Dobson makes a strong case for the power of words in a child’s life. Reflect on your relationships with your children. Do you find yourself frequently making cutting or sarcastic comments? Are there things you have said to them that you need to apologize for? If you’re not sure, ask your spouse or a close friend who has observed you with your children if they can identify any patterns you need to change. 

Chapter 6: The Most Common Mistake
Does the example of the policeman and judge help you to see how action is more powerful than words?

What do you think about Dr. Dobson’s statement that our anger can signal to our children that we’re not in control?

Do you find yourself using words more than actions when disciplining your children? What have the results been? What would be more effective?

Do you recognize yourself in the story of Henry and his mother (allowing yourself to get angrier and angrier until your child finally obeys because he’s convinced you’re upset enough to do something)? How might you change this approach?

How have your disciplinary techniques affected your children’s respect for you?

Chapter 7: Gearing Discipline to the Needs of Children 
Dr. Dobson relates a confrontation his wife had with their daughter, Danae, when she was just nine months old. Do you remember specific incidents with your young children when you realized they were challenging your authority?

Share these.

It is a total waste of time to ‘reason’ with a toddler in a moment of defiance. Do you agree? Have you tried this, and what was the result?

Healthy parenting can be boiled down to those two essential ingredients: love and control. They must operate in a system of checks and balances. How do you respond to this statement? As you look at your own parenting style, do you think you have a balance? Which ingredient takes precedence?

Why is it so important to teach children that their actions have consequences? What are some ways you are teaching this?

What specific ideas for discipline have you gained from this chapter?

Chapter 8: Corporal Punishment & the Strong-Willed Child
Dr. Dobson shares his reasons for encouraging careful use of corporal punishment. How do you feel about this issue? If you have used corporal punishment, have you found it an effective discipline technique? How has it impacted your relationship with your children?

Dr. Dobson makes a strong case that careful corporal punishment can actually reduce the likelihood of physical abuse because the parent will be able to handle the situation before he or she loses control. Do you agree with this? Do your experiences back this up?

The article by doctors Trumbell and Ravenel defines discipline as “training that corrects, molds or perfects moral character” and lists five components, including confession, forgiveness, and assurance of love. Does this stretch your view of discipline? How would you define discipline?

The article also refutes eight arguments against spanking. Which of these arguments do you find most compelling?

What have been your largest concerns as you have considered the issue of spanking? Did this chapter address them?

Dr. Turnball offers nine guidelines for spanking. Which of these is the most challenging to you? Which is the most surprising? What kind of guidelines (written or unwritten) do you follow before you spank a child?

Chapter 9: Bitter Brothers & Surly Sisters
If you have both compliant and strong-willed children, can you recognize yourself in Dr. Dobson’s description? Think over the past few weeks and consider if you might be favoring the strong-willed child to avoid confrontations. If so, what steps can you take to address this and balance things out again?

If you have more than one child, have you observed jealousy between them? What seem to be the touchiest points?

How can you downplay comparisons between your kids? 

Were any of Dr. Dobson’s “rules” surprising to you? How might you implement them in your family? What other rules could you add?

Chapter 10: The Strong-Willed Adolescent
What are your memories of adolescence? What issues are you most concerned about as your children approach adolescence? 

How are your children most affected by the media and their peer group? What are the greatest pressures they face? Discuss some ways you can build your children’s confidence at home.

Dr. Dobson admits that disciplinary options for a teenager are limited. Do you agree? What creative approaches have you developed? What have you found most effective?

Even though it often doesn’t seem like it, your teen desperately wants to be loved and to feel connected to you. Have you seen evidence of this with your children? What are some good ways to express love and connection with teens who may not openly reciprocate?

In what areas do you most struggle with granting increased responsibility and freedom to your teen? Why is it so difficult to let go?

Dr. Dobson points out the parallel between parents allowing teen’s freedom and God allowing us freedom, even if it means we will fail or turn away from him. Is this a helpful analogy? Why do you think genuine love requires freedom?

Chapter 11: Dealing with the ADHD Child
What did you learn about ADHD from the Time article? If you have an ADHD child, what similarities do you see between your child’s behavior and the symptoms described in the article?

The book Why ADHD Doesn’t Mean Disaster encourages parents to see ADHD from a positive perspective. What do you think might be some benefits of ADHD? What can ADHD kids excel at?

How do you react to the statement that a person with ADHD isn’t wired incorrectly; instead, it’s our society that doesn’t value the talents and abilities an ADHD person might have?

If you have an ADHD child, what effects has that had on your family relationships?

Dr. Domeena Renshaw offers eighteen practical suggestions for dealing with an ADHD child, from setting a flexible schedule to creating a quiet place of his own. Which of these suggestions is most helpful to you? Are there one or two things you can implement right away?

What does it mean to love your children unconditionally?

Chapter 12: A Final Word of Encouragement
All parents face discouragement at times. When you feel frustrated or demoralized, what steps can you take to regain your joy in parenting? 

One thing that is helpful is to concentrate on your children’s strengths. What character traits in your strong-willed children are you most proud of?

What are two or three key points you have taken away from this book?

What encouragement have you received that will help you persevere?

What insights have you gained into your strong-willed child?

Parenting Isn't for Cowards James C. Dobson
Chapter 1—The Challenge 
1. Review the paragraph about the confident woman unaware her slip had collapsed. What, concerning parenting, has been your “collapsed slip”—what has surprised you about your job as a parent that seems more challenging than you would have thought? 

2. Describe an embarrassing moment you have had with your child, similar to that of the mom who took her toddler to the Muppet movie.

3. Look at the list that quotes parents who feel inadequate. Have any situations with your child during the last year caused you to feel inadequate? Identify the quotes with which you can relate.

4. What are some of the challenges of our time for parents—challenges unique to this era in our culture?

5. What are some things Dr. Dobson says will be discussed in the following chapters, and which topics interest you the most?

Chapter 2—The Tough and the Gentle
1. What you might be found muttering on one of your lying-flat-on-the-floor days.

2. What are some characteristics of children between eighteen and thirty-six months of age?

3. Describe how a tough-minded, or strong-willed, child differs from a more gentle, compliant child.

4. What were some of the findings of psychiatrists Chess and Thomas regarding how babies differ? Into what three categories did most of the children they studied fit?

5. Generally speaking, is your child one of the tough or the gentle?

Chapter 3—What 35,000 Parents Said About Their Children
Note to Leader: This topic will take two sessions to cover well. Also, the following agenda works best if the group has not read this particular chapter beforehand.

1. On a separate sheet of paper, list your answers to the test on pages 471–474.

(Leader, hand out paper and pencils. Read questions aloud as the parents take the test.)

2. Score your test as we look together at the answers given on pages 475 –482. If you answered correctly, tell the group how you knew the answer. If your answer differed from the poll results, discuss how knowing the norm now might help you in parenting.

3. How can seeing up the road—knowing the tendencies of your child based on his or her personality—help you to “steer around” pitfalls you might otherwise drive straight into ?

4. What did you learn about strong-willed children...a. that most encourages you? b. that most prepares you for the challenge?

5. What new things did you learn about the easy-going child? What are some steps you can take to give that child the attention needed but not usually demanded?

6. How does the study described on page 482 relate to King Solomon’s proverb about children generally following their parents’ values by the time they are older? (See Proverbs 22:6. Chapter 10, “Questions and Answers,” on pages 579–598 gives further insight on this.) 

Chapter 4—What 35,000 Parents Said About Themselves
1. At what did one-third of those parents who were polled feel like failures? Would you guess that their children were compliant or strong-willed? 

2. How did 95 percent of the parents of compliant children feel about the job they were doing in parenting? What percentage of the parents of strong-willed children felt they were doing a good job as parents? Now cite the percentages that show which parents were struggling the most.

3. Can you control whether your child is compliant or strong-willed by nature? Do you think parents’ frustration levels might be lessened if they didn’t see their children’s personalities and temperaments as reflections of their parenting styles?

4. How does the poll reveal that mothers, especially, react to strong-willed children?

5. How does the frustration that parents of strong-willed children feel affect the way they discipline? What does this teach us about loving, consistent discipline?

Chapter 5—With Love to Parents Who Hurt
1. Do you suspect that you have known fairly well, at some point in your life, a “low-flying kid,” either in your family, circle of friends, or perhaps one of your own children? To what was the children’s difference due—physical handicap, learning disability, peculiar personality, or something else? Have you ever seen an initially-low-flying kid eventually soar in some area? If so please describe what happened. 

2. Read an encouraging story in 1 Samuel 16:1, 6 –13, where God picked an unlikely young shepherd boy as king, rather than one of his brothers who seemed more fit. How does this story about David encourage you? Why do you think God likes to choose unlikely people to do great things?

3. Referring to the two stories on pages 494–495 about the two very different toddlers, how do you think their moms felt during those plane rides?

4. Refer to the letter on pages 498 –500 and Dr. Dobson’s comments about it on pages 500 –501. Then turn back to pages 482 –483. How would knowing these facts comfort the mother who wrote the letter on pages 498 –500? What Scripture backs up the finding that most of the difficult kids eventually do stabilize and return to parental values? (See Proverbs 22:6 again.) 

5. What part does prayer have in good parenting? How did Dr. and Mrs. Dobson pray for their children in their developmental years?

6. Who modeled a good prayer life for Dr. Dobson, and how did that person’s prayers affect Dr. Dobson’s father at a pivotal point in his life?

7. Who has modeled for all of us the importance of loving and praying for children? (See Matthew 19:13–15 and Mark 10:13–16.)

Chapter 6—Suggestions for Parents of Young Children, Part 1
1. While many parents feel false guilt over circumstances beyond their control, for what exactly should parents be feeling responsibility regarding their children? (See Matthew 18:5–6, 10)

2. What does Susan’s story illustrate? What was Jesus’ answer to people who turned children away from Him? (See Mark 10:13–16.)

3. Look for some ways that Dr. Dobson suggests parents can go with the flow of their child’s particular makeups and express acceptance.

4. Refer to the description of the mom who felt unable to take the temperature of her six-month-old because he wouldn’t let her. Describe your own thermometer experience of late—a recent situation in which you and your child met head-on over something needful. Tell how you handled it or determined to handle it next time.

5. What did Susannah Wesley, an effective eighteenth-century mom of seventeen children, write about how and why she grabbed the reins of authority early?

6. What is the difference between “childish follies” and “willful transgressions”?

7. What is appropriate loving firmness? What is the parallel between a young child’s ability to easily learn languages, and his teachableness in other areas during his early years?

8. What is “sibling drift,” and how can parents maintain a consistency with each new child’s arrival?

Chapter 7—Power Games
1. For what do strong-willed children thirst more than compliant ones?

2. Review the list of sixteen techniques that are often used in power struggles, especially in families. Which of these manipulations have you observed in power games played by members of your family?

3. Over what issues do children often assert themselves? At what ages of childhood do these issues normally become battlefields: A. bedtime? B. food? C. schoolwork?

4. What is it about special days that tends to bring on battles?

5. What are some other battlefields of childhood listed in this chapter?

6. Over what issues does your child seem to regularly wage war?

7. Give some historical examples of the destructive results of power.

8. What did Jesus tell His disciples when they argued over which of them would have the highest positions of power in His coming kingdom? (Read Matthew 20:20 –28.)

9. What is our goal as parents regarding the transfer of power to our children?

Chapter 8—Too Pooped to Parent
1. Which parents are the most likely candidates for parental burnout?

2. Describe a compulsive parent. What factors contribute to compulsive parenting? What relationships tend to suffer because of it?

3. Are the underlying motives of super parents basically admirable? List the five main insights on how burnout occurs.

4. What example concerning balance did Jesus give? Why do you think Go d rested for a day after He had created the world? (See Genesis 2:2–3.) Was He modeling something for us?

5. What factors, other than deep commitment to parenting, can lead to burnout?

6. Describe the five progressive stages of burnout. Have you experienced any of these?

7. What are the three departments of our beings? How does one affect the other?

8. How is raising children like running a long-distance race?

9. To prevent parenting burnout, how are you taking care of your...a. body? b. mind? c. spirit?

Chapter 9—Suggestions for Parents of Adolescents, Part 1
1. How is adolescence like the liftoff, reentry, and splashdown of a spacecraft?

2. What two powerful forces overtake boys and girls in early adolescence?

3. How is adolescence similar to PMS, menopause, or midlife crisis?

4. How does acceptance or rejection from an adolescent’s peers influence self-worth and behavior?

5. List the five vital areas Dr. Dobson will be discussing for parents of teenagers. Which of the headings hint at an answer to something about which you are curious?

6. What were your teen years like? What made them...a. harder? b. easier?

7. What would you do differently from your parents as you parent a teen? What will you try to do the same as they did?

8. Why is boredom dangerous for teens? List some activities parents can encourage in order to prevent boredom in their teenagers.

9. When can parents expect teen turbulence to peak and then level off again?

Chapter 9—Suggestions for Parents of Adolescents, Part 2
1. What does Dr. Dobson mean when he says...a. “Don’t throw away your friendship over behavior that has no great moral significance”? b. “Save your big guns for crucial confrontations”? c. “The philosophy we applied with our teenagers can be called ‘loosen and tighten’”?

2. Should parents ever apologize when they are wrong?

3. What four suggestions will help keep you from burnout while parenting an adolescent?

4. Dr. Dobson said about his feelings as a teen, “How could I get angry at this man who took time to be with me?” Of what man was he speaking?

5. What does Ephesians 6:4 tell fathers to be careful not to do?

6. What common-ground interests are being cultivated between your children and their dad, or a father-image in their lives, and why is that vital?

7. If you are a mom, how have you interpreted your children’s father to them?

8. What are some ways a father uniquely influences his daughter, either positively or negatively?

9. What can be a result of parents letting their teens be in charge?

10. What can be done when parental leadership has collapsed, and a teen continually breaks the law, intimidates his family, and refuses boundaries? Describe the TOUGH LOVE concept.

Chapter 10—Questions and Answers
Option 1: “I Think Dr. Dobson Would Say...”

Play the game “I Think Dr. Dobson Would Say...” The group leader should read the first question on page 579 aloud, asking the group to keep their books closed while various class members suggest possible answers. Then the group may turn to the appropriate page and see how close they came to answering in a way similar to Dr. Dobson’s answer.

Emphasize that everyone’s opinion within the group, based on their own parenting experiences, may give added insight. But hold up the Bible as the ultimate authority. Continue in this manner, throughout the questions and answers in this chapter. 

Option 2: Small Group Discussions

Divide the group into four smaller groups, and assign each group three questions. (The group who draws the question with the shortest answer on page 594 should get an extra question. That group should divide the thirteen questions fairly among the four groups.) Give the small groups about ten to fifteen minutes to read their assigned questions and answers and to prepare to give the whole group a summary of the answers. Then regather the groups into one large group and let each of the four groups take turns reading one of their questions aloud and summarizing Dr. Dobson’s answer. Continue through all the questions. To make it more fun, place a chair in the front labeled “Dr. Dobson’s Chair,” and let each person answering for Dr. Dobson come and sit there when speaking.

Chapter 11—Releasing Your Grown Child
1. What was the question asked of Focus on the Family radio listeners, which prompted replies that show the need for this chapter?

2. What did 44 percent of the 2,600 respondents to the question say?

3. How did Dr. Dobson himself struggle with these issues at times, both...a. as a young adult striving for independence from parents? b. as a parent struggling to grant independence to his own children?

4. Why do you think it’s so hard for parents to let go?

5. What are two common responses of young adults whose parents won’t let go?

6. Why do adult children sometimes refuse to become independent?

7. Describe a good transfer-of-power plan which, if put into play from the time children are in preschool, might help parents be ready to let go by the end of the teen years. 

Chapter 12—A Final Thought
1. What would you say to answer the question of the puzzled mother on page 609?

2. What three examples does Dr. Dobson give on pages 609–612 of how kids can be totally surprising?

3. Why does Dr. Dobson feel that behavioral scientists have been far too simplistic in their explanation of human behavior? In that regard, explain how you interpret this quote: “The same boiling water that softens the carrot also hardens the egg.”

4. In an earlier survey of three thousand parents, what did 85 percent of the families have in common?

5. Read the list of eight final thoughts on pages 613 –614, which summarize this book’s concepts. (Consider letting the group members take turns reading them aloud.) Out of these thoughts that have been expressed, which ones... a. were new concepts to you? b. answered questions you’d been puzzling over? c. gave you specific plans for dealing with certain aspects of parenting? d. underlined what you’ve already experienced? e. helped you to more fully understand and accept your children? f. encouraged you? g. pointed you to your Source, the Creator?